I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
