The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
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