I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
