Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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