I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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