I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
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