I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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