guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
