I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
