The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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