For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
