he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
