You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Randomize
