I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
