I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
