please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
