He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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