I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
