i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
