I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
