I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
