Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
