1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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