She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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