I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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