the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
