Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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