Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
