If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
