no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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