I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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