im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
