my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i love accidental penises.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
