Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
