It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I've blown a few things in my day
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
