Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
