So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
