I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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