I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize