remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
