someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
