Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
