I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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