tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
