my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
