my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
