Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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