I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
