Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
i think i just lost a toe
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
