I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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