i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
it glows. i had to have it.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
