Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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