Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You can't just leave with hair like that
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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